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Saying one thing and doing another1/11/2024 The idea of should came from ideas perpetuated in society. When we unpick this, the answer is almost always the same. My response? “Why should you?”, “who told you you should?”, “where does that idea come from?” Including, "I should be able to cope", "I should already be (insert personally set expectation of self here)". When people come into therapy there is usually an overload of shoulds. The things we think we should do often don’t align with what we actually want. The "yeah right, as if I am going to do it". You may not even notice that every should (even imposed by yourself) is met with an unconscious act of rebellion. You may not even realise that you have a rebellious streak against yourself, but lots of us do. For example, if as a young person you refused to do the things pressed upon you by adults, it is possible that you now rebel against yourself whenever you pressurise yourself into an activity, even if it is supposedly good for you. I would suggest this is one of the main reasons.Īnother adverse outcome of the shoulds? If you are anything like me you may also be rebellious. No wonder people often ask my why they don’t seem to be able to to do the things they “know they should do”. They cause us to fall into old automatic patterns and habits (usually the ones we are criticising ourselves for engaging in), and more than that they cause a response inside us that urges us to run or fight (see this post for more information about the fight-or-flight response, and this post for the ways stress causes us automatically re-engage in our old unhelpful habits). What do we know about anxiety and stress? If you have been following my blog posts, you will know that they shut down our brains ability to problem solve and to maintain attention to a new task. When we criticise and reject ourselves (even in such a subtle manner as when using the word should) we create anxiety and stress in our minds and bodies. They suggest that we don’t accept who or where we are. Shoulds are an active form of self-criticism. The shoulds actively get in the way of us achieving our goals When we should ourselves we are implicitly criticising ourselves. Do you function better in situations where you feel criticised? It is unlikely that the answer to this is yes. Oxford English Dictionary definition of should: “Used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticising someone’s actions.” Why is the word should problematic? The dictionary definition is a good place to start: We notice something different or new about ourselves and instead of exploring it we think “I should be more like everyone else”. Something distressing happens and we think “I should be able to cope", "I shouldn’t be upset", "I should be stronger”. We go home and think “my house should be bigger/different/tidier”. We see an advert, picture or programme and think “I should look like that, I should be more fun/exciting/have a different life”. If not, here are a few that you may be able to relate to: We go to school or to work and think “I should work harder, I should be doing better, I should be top of the class/team”. We also shouldn't ourselves, which is equally detrimental (so from now on as I talk about the word should, please assume I am also referring to shouldn't).Ĭan you think of some examples? Times you have should-ed yourself recently? We should ourselves, we should others and we don’t realise the damage we are causing with this tiny word.
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